Self-Sabotage: What to do When You are Your Own Worst Enemy

September 16, 2010

Photo Credit: Phil W. Shirley

How many times have you sat back and absolutely wanted to kick yourself because you let an opportunity pass for no other reason than you just didn't do what you needed to do? Whether is was not showing up to a meeting with a professor that could have saved your grade, sitting on an email with a potential customer until it was too late to reply, or engaging in a financially reckless weekend with the money you were saving for months, I think everyone can attest to at least one streak of self-defeating behavior in their lives. What's tricky about this, however, is not so much the behavior we engage in, but rather the limiting beliefs that drive our counter-productive acts to begin with. Self-sabotage, like most bad habits, has psychological roots that start in our minds. It might seem easy to just simply "change your thinking" but such a philosophy is easier said than done when messed up thoughts might have landed in our psyche for a variety of reasons. While personal demons vary from person to person, the main culprits of my own self-sabotaging moments (and those I've seen from others) include comparing myself others, procrastinating, and exchanging long term gains for short term satisfaction.

Self Sabotage #1: Comparing Myself to Others

Given my subtle, but significantly competitive nature, the urge to compare myself to others is an inclination that I have to fight on a daily basis. Not only is it unbecoming, but it's definitely a self-destructive habit that can inspire inadequacy around projects that I otherwise would have put my heart and soul into. The beauty of us all being created unique is exactly that—we're all unique with different sets of talents and different ways of displaying our gifts to the world. Just because I see someone doing something really phenomenal doesn't suddenly make what I'm doing worthless and it certainly doesn't give me the right to just give up before I've even started.

Self Sabotage #2: Procrastination

"Procrastination is the grave in which opportunity is buried."–Anonymous

Easily the most popular form of self-sabotage, procrastination is a silent killer because it's also the most detrimental. How many times has "I'll do it tomorrow" turned into an event that you still haven't done yet? I don't even want to know how many opportunities I've allowed procrastination to steal from me, but if I'm honest, I'm sure it's a lot. Yes, it's great to be young, but I have to remind myself that (1) every year I'm getting older and (2) tomorrow is definitely not promised. If there's anything worth doing at all, it's worth doing today. Life is too short to waste it waiting until tomorrow to make a difference.

Self Sabotage #3: Exchanging Long-Term Gains for Short-Term Satisfaction

When I used to run track in high school, everyday during practice in the weight room we'd have to look to a sign on the wall that read, "The reason most people do not succeed is because they trade what they want most for what they want at the moment." That quote always stuck with me, even though it such a difficult principle to live out on a day to day basis. The problem, I think, is that most of us don't realize that we're exchanging our ultimate goals for what's going on at the moment because we do it a little bit at a time until its too late. Its like we know that there's probably a better decision we could be making, but we consider it a small choice and don't realize the long term ramifications consistent choices like that have on our goals in the end.

For example, there have been times when I chose to spend more time with my boyfriend when I knew my time would probably be better served studying or doing something else that I really needed to get done. Hanging out with the beau all the time felt like a small choice each time I was making it, but it wasn't until months had gone by and my deadlines had passed had I felt like I could have done better if I put my ultimate priorities above what I wanted at various moments.

***

So what's a chick to do once she's tired of shooting herself in the foot? The ultimate solution lies in a commitment to change and incremental steps towards a more positive end, but here's a few things someone could think about immediately in order to one day kill the inner self-saboteur:

  • Say out-loud to yourself the negative behavior you do as soon as you find yourself doing it. Your best friend my look at you weird as she watches you suddenly unplug your laptop and loudly proclaim, "I've been looking at natural hair blogs for the past 4 hours because I'm avoiding doing an assignment that should have been finished yesterday," but hey, if it gets you off the couch then I consider it a step in the right direction.
  • Acknowledge you biggest fear. Sometime the reason we do things that are totally self-destructive is because we're afraid of what might happen our life's outcomes go otherwise according to plan. Maybe you find yourself killing your opportunity for that big promotion you need because, deep down, you're not sure how your boyfriend will take your success. Instead of avoiding the underlying fear because you feel silly for even having it, confront the fear head on so that you can deal with it in a way that's better than simply imploding.
  • Take a page out of Steven Covey's classic "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", and begin with the end in mind. As I said before, self-sabotage can be an easy thing to slip into, especially when we think of our choices in a small, short term way. Self-sabotage becomes infinitely harder, however, when you think of it like "I'm killing my chance to leave this job I hate and work for myself" or "This is going to hurt someone I love very much".

What are some of your worst self-sabotaging moments? What are some of your best self-sabotage escapes? Leave you comments below.

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